My Fix

I've always prided myself on not having any chemical addictions. I've never had to kick a nicotine habit, let alone worry about cleansing my system of more potent drugs. But today I had to face the facts - straight up. I'm addicted. Years and years of consuming Nissin brand Top Ramen has taken it's toll, and I can no longer rationalize my behavior as average.

The awareness of my addiction began this afternoon when I opened the cupboard only to discover the glimmering plastic of packaged ecstasy. I was stunned at first since Anna - probably realizing the seriousness of my condition from day one - has sought to intervene and end my addiction. She's ignored my pro-Ramen platform, which is entirely based on affordability (10 packages for $1 at times!). But for some reason, she relented this week, which led to my discovery ... which led to my awakening.

First, though, I have to give you some more info. Ramen is more than a noodle; it's more than a culinary "value meal." Ramen is all that is wrong with pre-packeged food. The noodles are straight "enriched flour," aka the type of flour that doesn't even deserve to be qualified as a grain. It's 99% inorganic with an organic label.

But that's not even the worst. Nope, the THC of Ramen is the package of seasoning which comes with it, which contains (in order): salt, soy sauce powder, MSG, hydrolized soy, corn and wheat protein, garlic powder, caramel color, onion powder, rice oil, citric acid, disodium succinate, dehydrated leek, calcium silicate, disodium guanylate, disodium inosinate. THAT'S AT LEAST 7 INGREDIENTS THAT INCLUDE SODIUM, which leaves no mystery as to why each package supplies 60-70% of your daily sodium intake.

Now, this is why it's scary. I use to eat two of these after school ... every day ... as a snack.

But if that's not bad enough; it gets even worse. Years of eating ramen has left me a lethal junkie. I've trained my taste to know what I like and what I don't. For the longest time it was nothing but pork flavored. Oh, that was the best. But then, and I'm still bitter about this, out of nowhere Nissin decided to alter its pork seasoning - forever leaving me to search for hidden "old" pork packages. Alas, I've found none. But by this time I was hooked, and I moved on to other flavors ... even going so far as to try the shrimp variety, which was putrid. Thankfully, like a true American, I decided beef was for me. And once I found my delight of choice, I had only to experiment with preparation.

Like a heroin addict, I've learned how to distill the drug down to its most potent form. There are, of course, many ways to prepare Ramen noodles with most of the varieties originating from what you do with the water in the saucepan. The recommended preparation is as follows:

1. Boil 2 cups water. Add noodles, breaking up if desired. Cook 3 minutes, stirring occasionally.
2. Remove from heat. Stir in seasonings from flavor packet**

**To lower sodium use less seasoning (honestly, it says this)

I've got to give it to Ramen; at least they knew they're selling a potent product and give you a way to curb some of the toxicity. But that's like Philip and Morris putting a label on their cigarretes that states you can protect yourself from nicotine by putting on ANOTHER filter. Come on.

This is all beside the point anyhow. Somewhere along the line, I read what Nissin suggested about limiting the amount of sodium, and I came up with my own brilliant idea: hey, who needs the water. So, now, my preparation includes these revised two steps:

1. Boil water, add noodles and cook until desired (3 1/2 minutes after filling pot with water, placing noodles in and turning on stove)
2. Remove from heat, drain pot of water - leaving about a tablespoon. Stir in seasoning to create a highly concentrated, intense bowl of slimy salt.

As I performed these simple steps today, I realized how neurotic I've become about my ramen. I should've seen the signs earlier. I've been known to eat spoonfulls of the chicken broth seasoning we keep in the fridge if I can't find any other snack! But, the straw that broke the camel's back came after I emptied the seasoning into the pan. Mechanically - by pure instinct - I opened the seasoning package all the way, revealing the last fine grains of MSG and six varieties of salt, placed my tongue on the metalic package and licked. I was forced to ask myself, "What would I do if I dropped this seasoning on the floor, in the dirt, in a trash can?" I'm ashamed to tell you my answer. I can only tell you ...

My name is Wes, and I'm addicted to ramen.

Wes